Trying to keep my head clear

There is meme that has been floating around social media that I believe expresses the feelings of depression incredibly well through the analogy of mashed potatoes. In essence, I am paraphrasing:

Imagine all of the food you love. The flavors, the texture, the experience of it all. Slowly all of those flavors begin to fade, and the texture begins to feel like mush. Every bite you take looks, feels and tastes like mashed potatoes. That favorite meal is suddenly a tasteless white mush sitting in front of you. People ask you why you aren’t eating it anymore, but they just don’t understand that it is mashed potatoes to you. They offer up some advice and recommend some spices, but those are tasteless too. It is all just mashed potatoes. Eventually, you don’t even remember what anything tastes like except those ever disappointing potatoes. So why bother eating those other things if they are only going to be potatoes anyway?

Lately I have been dealing with my own potato filled existence for a number of reasons, that really all boil down to my health at the core. I have been losing weight rapidly (I lost 3kg in two weeks, and have steadily been losing weight without trying). My abdomen has been in significantly worse pain for months, especially after eating. My doctor poked and prodded, finding that my large intestine is inflamed. I have a colonoscopy on Friday, and as much as I am glad that I will have answers soon, I am terrified to have more issues going on in my body. In the years since I was diagnosed with Celiac disease, I have not seen much improvement in my overall GI health, which is indicative of something else going on unfortunately. This means that although it is not that I am “getting something else” per se, there is something going on that does not as of yet have a lovely label of it’s own.

This constant pain after eating, among other unpleasant effects, has left me facing the unknown. Unfortunately the unknown is scary. It is especially scary when you have a family history of colon cancer and polyps rather than IBD. Thankfully, I am one of those people who have gone and had genetic testing done, so those results do allow for other possibilities. I do have genes associated with both major types of IBD, so I can at least weigh my genetic makeup against the family tree… It is scary to not know… and it turns everything into a looming and overwhelming heap of unending mashed potatoes…