Feeling more than a little hopeless

I wish more than anything to no longer be sick. I wish my body would stop attacking itself. I wish that I could stop suffering. I wish that the efforts I make would yield greater differences. I wish it didn’t feel like I was fighting a losing battle. 

Those are the words that pass through my head as my belly feels like a fire is raging, my joints lock and my body hurdles along through a celiac reaction. I’ve been careful, paranoid even. Yet, exposure happened. Inside my soul is screaming at how unfair it is, how painful it is. I’ve had stomach problems since I was very young (due to celiac disease) and have had fibromyalgia symptoms for the last 10 years. I have been strict with my diet, have tried various medications, have been trying various lifestyle changes to promote healing. Eating very healthy, exercising the amount I can handle, taking supplements, regulating my sleep… But still I suffer. Still, my immune system remains horribly over sensitive. My digestive track doesn’t seem to be healing. My joints are only getting worse. I’m 24, soon to be 25. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong or why I’m not improving. I’m actually make huge efforts, I have never just sat in my illness and “tried to get better” for the attention. I know that I do not always do everything right, I mess up my sleep easily for instance, but I do make a pointed effort. 

I don’t feel like I have the strength to keep pushing through all of this, but I don’t know what else to do. I see my doctor in two weeks, and I know I will be able to ask her to look into more, but it is beginning to feel hopeless. I don’t know how anything will work out. I will continue my efforts and keep searching for ways to improve my quality of life.. I just wish that I could find something. I don’t need a cure all. I just need hope that things can get better, and a path to follow to get me there. I don’t see a path right now… Especially with how little the large efforts I have made have helped… I don’t know what to do.


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