Today I will be talking about something very personal in my journey of faith. The transition from fear to faith.
I had for a very long time been terribly afraid of the judgement of my peers. It was as though a hand would tear into and constrict my heart at the very thought of being held unworthy, being told I am worthless, being told I am not loved. This fear came from my own lack of self love. I would constantly affirm in my own heart that I was even worse than unloved, that I could never even deserve to be loved. That no one would or ever could love me. These were the feelings that I allowed to govern my life.
Last night I attended an incredibly powerful talk, where the audience was asked a rhetorical question upon which to reflect: “What is your biggest sin, the sin you hold onto to most?”
Now, I had been puzzling over this for several weeks, in fact, and could not put my finger on it previously. Last night, I realized what it was and was struck with a great sense of clarity and guilt at this truth. My greatest sin that I allow to hold over my life is my fear of the judgement of my fellow humans. I let my fear of judgement in this secular world cloud over my love for God. I have always lived a very private spiritual life, but not for the sake or respect of God. I lived a private life for fear of judgement, isolation and heartbreak. Yet, how incredible is my disrespect to the God I love so dearly! To hold the judgements of men more dearly in my heart than Him.
I have my reasons for this fear, just as each of us has reasons behind every wound and scar we bear. Last night I was able to truly see that this wound needs to heal, and the only route to healing is through love and devotion to God. I want to live as authentically as possible, striving for transparency to my indwelling God. I want to let the peace of Christ consume me so that I can share his glory with all of the world.
I have made a choice to stop hurting my God. To stop inflicting wounds into His blessed heart with each “No” I have said to him. I have made the choice to say “Yes” to God’s love. To say yes to the gifts of Grace that he has bestowed upon me and to give myself wholly to the goal of glorifying Him in everything I do in life.
God calls each of us to Him in our own time, its up to us to say YES!