It has been an age old concept to find the balancing point in life. The balance between work, school, kids, family, friends and health effects everyone on a different level. I personally am more effected by health than any of the other factors in my life. I am happy to say that with my fibro I have managed to work part time successfully… But I am no where near finding my balance point. I am currently trying to find the upper limit to what I can and cannot handle before my body gets too fatigued and no longer heals properly. It is no easy task. It would likely be a much easier task if I was not going through some pretty stressful stuff. The thing is, I am not sure I am ever NOT going through stressful external factors. Life has a way of going in strange directions, and unfortunately they are not a factor I can control.
I can however control what I can build up to in my day. After a very bad experience with medications really interacting negatively with my system almost two years ago, I was at square -10. Not square one. I was feeling everything my nervous system was sending without being used to it anymore. I was also getting very bad migraines, luckily, now that I am in a different city with a different climate they are much less common. It took 11 months to normalize to the fibro pain enough to be able to do all of my chores at home. Unfortunately, my migraines had prevented me from working. When we moved cities, I was able to start working part time and get a chunk of my chores done. As I have been trying to work more though, I am beginning to notice that I am sacrificing chores instead of being able to build up both together. It bothers me that it is seeming that my balance point is proving to be that I either work more or get chores done.
I will have a trial run of working full time for the first two weeks of July, and I am praying that God gives me the grace to pull through the whole time with a smile. I have been having a bad flare for the last week, and I am hoping that the biggest factor causing it is reintegrating sugars into my diet. I had been feeling much better when I cut out carbs, fruit and sugar to deal with the insulin resistance. I will be going back to a strict diet tomorrow, as the last week is proof enough that my body is not ready for sugars.
I am disappointed that I cannot do more, but it does feel good that I am getting a more realistic picture of how to live with fibro. When I was younger, before the diagnosis, I would work inspite of my pain and fatigue because everyone said I was normal and healthy. It led to me passing out at night, taking much to long to heal from wounds, and living feeling as though I was a zombie. I look back at the last ten years that I have felt these symptoms and feel that although I never found a balance point, I will. I feel a mix of sorrow and hope. On the one hand I am hopeful to find a balancing point where I can reduce my flare ups but still be productive, on the other hand I am sorrowful that in a variety of ways I will have the need to learn to depend on others in a healthy way. Learning how to accept help is an important lesson, but it is a hard one. Autonomy feels very good, and since I have to come to terms with the fact that it is unreasonable to become autonomous at this point and for the current foreseeable future, it makes me mourn the life I wanted to live.
Somehow the life I am meant to live with triumph and I will become more realistic with myself. For right now, I will start by accepting that I need to find the balancing point and begin to accept that I am not able to be autonomous.