Recently I came across an article that gave quite a bit of insight into some of the behaviors that I have noticed in myself and my husband that I had never really understood before. It is a common trait in ADHD and the various manifestations of it are all too familiar. Though I am not one to rely on labels to hold myself back, it is important to be able to be informed about various aspects of yourself in order to better yourself.
It was in reflecting on this article that I came to realize a very different insight than you might expect. One related to how I have been dealing with my emotions related to the auto-immune flare ups and fibromyalgia flare ups I have been experiencing lately. I have been struggling emotionally with not being able to push through the pain and sickness, because when I was younger I was able to. Something that struck me as I was reflecting on my own behavioral patterns is that I had never actually thought of the true difference in the situation between then and now. I let my emotions build up wildly because I have already gone through a good variety of situations where I faced Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria because I am not able to just push through the pain. I’ve let myself stew and ultimately bottle up the emotional reactions to those situations, which I have unjustly internalized against myself.
What I had not let myself look at was the rational difference between when I was younger and now. I had not explored why I could push through before and why I cannot now. It was the chemical reactions that my body produced when consuming gluten and casein that I had forgotten to grant any weight. Although I was suffering, inflamed and in tremendous amounts of pain when I was younger, my brain was flooding with opiod-like substances. Even after going gluten free 5 years ago, I had continued to consume dairy–which I later discovered an allergy to. I can vividly remember the sensation of the ever delicious DQ blizzard on days of stress or pain. I relied on this almost weekly during university. Although not healthy, it had become a coping mechanism that helped me to push through the migraines and pain I was experiencing.
Now I am in a situation where I am eating healthy, avoiding foods that cause upset and trying my best to move forward through the suffering. Comparatively, I have gone from having an opiate-like high all the time, to not. Realistically, whether I was in more pain back then does not effect the fact that I at least had some form of relief, albeit a horribly unhealthy form of relief. I am no longer able to ask for most kinds of relief, because I cannot tolerate most medications without experiencing severe side effects. I am fighting the real battle now, without any shield. I know that there will be people who judge me and criticize me for where I am and what I am capable of doing, but at least I can give myself the peace of mind to know that I am doing what I can. Although I know I will still have stronger emotional reactions than I would like to admit, I can start to work through them without beating myself up for being sick.